1. Stalker like tendencies. Don’t get me wrong, I find it horribly adorable when the cats follow me around the apartment but frankly it gets kind of creepy when they follow me into the bathroom and watch me as I go to the bathroom. Um, hello? A little privacy please? Also, when they sit between the shower curtains and just stare is frankly kind of disconcerting. Everywhere I go there is usually a cat within a foot behind me, watching me. And if I try to shut them out when I do stuff? See point two.

2. Hate shut doors. They, especially Brutus, freak out when there is a shut door in the apartment since SOMETHING IMPORTANT COULD BE BEHIND THAT DOOR. Especially if, say, we shut the door to do something (such as taking care of the bird last week) the FREAK OUT and start RIPPING OUT THE CARPET. Brutus has pulled out the corner of the carpet almost in the doorway. We won’t mention what he did in my old apartment (let’s just say we think that the apartment maintenance people call us “those carpet douchebags”).

3.  Always want to eat our food. This one is especially true with Blue. If we are making food or have food anywhere in the apartment no matter what he was doing before, Blue will be there in ten seconds flat. As you try to swat off the furry encroachers, they change their tactics. Using their kitty wiles, they paw at you in a charming fashion like, look, aren’t I the cutest thing you have ever seen? When that fails to work, frustrated, the cats jump on our keyboards and knock down our monitors. Finally, when that fails to work they’ll use desperate measures: sucking in their stomachs. Didn’t think it was possible? You haven’t met Brutus and Blue who, I assure you, are really well fed. Mack has had a few instances where, pissed off, Blue has smacked a can of soda at Mack in disgust over his gall at not feeding him. 

4. Inappropriate cuddling. I don’t know why Brutus does this, but he has a fascination with laying on my neck while I’m trying to sleep. Perhaps it is because I used to carry him around on my shoulder when he was a kitten, or perhaps as our family friend suggested he is trying to suck my soul out while I sleep (although my heavily Catholic friend is convinced I have no soul, or at least it’s damned, so I think I’m safe). Also, when Mack and I try to cuddle? Brutus will purposely wedge himself between us by any means possible, no matter how close we are cuddling. One day when cuddling Mack and I had vice like grips on each other and the damn cat still managed to get between us and fall asleep. Sometimes Brutus will even take it upon himself to sit his butt on my face while I sleep which, let me tell you, leads to an interesting situation when I’m jolted awake due to lack of oxygen fresh scent of cat ass. 

5. Hair on clean laundry. This one is a given considering ALL cats do this. No matter what we do the cats WILL find a way to get hair all over our laundry. For the most part, yes, we’re bad about putting away laundry especially since during the week we’re too busy. Sometimes, however, we do put the laundry up high and marvel how the cats manage to do it. I have suggested to Mack that perhaps Brutus gathers all his fur in his paws and hocks it up onto Mark’s formal wear as the ultimate ‘eff you. Whenever the formal wear comes out we expect the cats to torpedo us and face plant into our pants. 

6. Puncture Wounds. Our cats are famous for clawing the hell out of us. A week does not go by where (mostly Mack) gets laceration marks all over the body. Usually they are unprovoked attacks as well. Sure, sometimes we do deserve it when we antagonize the cats (such as when Brutus is sleeping under the quilts and we start poking him and giggling). The other day, however, Mack was sitting on the couch typing away on something and Brutus comes running into the room and Mach 10 and uses Mack as a spring board to jump into the air and take flight thus ripping Mack’s hands to shreds. One instance of laceration upon me was actually Mack’s fault due to poking the damn cat with a toy and scaring him. Let’s just say I had open wounds on my palms for a week straight. When cuddling Brutus takes it upon himself to also bite the hands and/or body part that is nearest to him just to prove what a dick he is. 

7. Morbid fascination with other creatures. We get it. Your ancestors were bad ass hunters and part of their genes are in you cats. But seriously, does this need and urge need to extend to your other roommates, the sugar gliders and fish? Yes, I know, you guys could eat them for breakfast and feel some sort of manly satisfaction at a good hunt. But, again cats, IT IS NOT THAT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE. They’re in fish tanks and cages so the effort isn’t that much beyond somehow getting inside and also, of course, getting past us. One would think (looking at you Brutus) you would learn not to attack the fish tank especially since Mack sprays you with a water each. and. every. time. And Blue? You’ve kind of gotten a clue (heh) but no matter how much you want it, the gliders will never been your tender vittles. 

8. Gay loving when company is over. Yes. Our cats are probably gay. We accept our cats love but do you need to go at it all the time, especially when we have company over? For some reason the cats hate female cats. They have both been known to beat up on females cats (minus our old cat Izzy who beat the shit out of them if they came within a mile radius of her). Plus, both are kind of Momma’s Boys, especially Brutus. But at random times, especially when friends are over, they’ll jump on each other and proceed to get frisky with each other. If that was not bad enough, they’ll scream and generally be loud and annoying as they go about it. Keep it to the bedroom cats and, if you must make a show of it, keep it to your roommates since we generally are really good at ignoring you even if you bring the action onto our bed as we sleep.  

9. Lay or walk on anything we’re using or working on. Despite how cute you guys think laying on our work is, it is actually kind of really irritating. Sure, I get it Blue, I took the chair I had been using all day away so you showed your displeasure by walking on my keyboard. And was farting really necessary? Did it give you some sort of satisfaction knowing you crashed not only Photoshop but also managed to pull Dreamweaver and Filezilla into the destruction? Brutus, you’re especially a pain in the butt since you’ll flop down on anything, and I mean anything, that we’re working on (even if it is the cutting board and we’re in the middle of cutting something). No, our keyboards are NOT part of the path you’re meant to walk on. And, true, I do like when you cuddle with me as I’m trying to work, but can you try it without the ass plant on the keyboard cats?

10. Crack out at 3 AM.  Something about the middle of the night spells out for our cats “IT IS TIME TO CRACK OUT AND BOUNCE OFF EVERY SURFACE!” I don’t know what it is but we can seriously time it down to the dot that the cats will usually be chasing each other around the apartment and doing point eight listed above. If the cats normally played during the day then, sure, it would be more understandable but no, it has to be the middle of the night! What is the deal cats? Is it particularly appealing since we’re not there to interrupt you? Do our sleeping bodies make particularly nice spring boards for you as you bounce off the wall? Stick to a decent hours guy. Seriously.

 

I can go on but I think the list just proves what the title says: our cats are kind of douchebags.