I have a dirty, nasty, yet wonderful little secret (which is not so much a secret anymore): I enjoy reading romance novels. Trust me: it’s not for the good writing, character depth, or the random sex scenes that I read them. Frankly put: they’re dumb reads. After a long day of using my brain to try and figure stuff out stuff both logically (programming) and creatively (design) it feels good to sit down and let my mind stop thinking as I read of the antics of the characters in these books.

Now, I’m not hard-core addicted to them and have a collection to rival a bookstore or anything. I have a select few I have bought over the years that I enjoy reading from time to time though. I am hardly an expert at the “art of romance” novels so my list will be full of generalizations and meant to be funny (so don’t get huffy romance readers/writers).

Based on the books I have read and my deeper understanding I have gained from them, here are things I (and my friend’s) have learned from romance novels (split into two parts since obviously I have learned a lot):

• The heroine must be damn near pure as snow before they’re bedded. In the past women were prized for their virginity and being “pure” upon their wedding day. Although the “moral standards” of the past have loosened (heh), typically you see the heroine has limited or no experience in the sack. If she has had lovers they were few and far between. They were meaningless relationships being not that good, or the man betrayed her in some sort of way (cheating usually), or died tragically, thus making her unsure she can ever love (put out) again.
• The hero tends to be sex god who have been around the block more then once with surprisingly no STDs. What I don’t get it with all the heroes sleeping around with hundreds of thousands of women why they didn’t catch something along the way? I mean, STDs have been around for awhile. The heros are always the picture of health and pure sex godliness. Why, with all their aimless sexual encounters, doesn’t the heroine have that burning sensation when she pees after coupling with the hero?
• It is ALWAYS the BEST sex they have ever had when they (finally!) have sex. Throw out all you have ever known about sex before this. When the couple finally has sex if you look up “satisfied” and “earth-shattering” in the dictionary, their pictures will most likely be located there. When I was a teenager I once asked my Mom why she never read romance novels and her reply was simply this: “Because the sex is always the BEST they EVER had.”
• The heroine always has lots of pride, spirit, and isn’t too womanly while still being able to be a woman. The heroine will never shrink away from a good fight and will always be proud in all that she does. She is willing to do stupid stuff in order to save her pride and typically does not like to apologize when she’s wrong. That, my dear reader, would “ruin her pride”. This goes with the hero as well, however, in romance novels the word pride tends to be one of the adjectives most commonly attached with the heroine. Without this pride the couple would not have nearly as many misunderstandings and the books would probably be about 200 pages shorter.
• She’s never a common beauty. More often-then-naught, she will be an “exotic” beauty. Whatever the common “rage” of the Season is for beauty the heroine will not be it. If blonde and blue-eyed is the “thing”, she will have deep maroon/brunette/red/black hair with hazel/green/brown/aquamarine eyes. Mix and match as you choose. Her features will be different thus making her stand-out and often will become the new “rage” simply because it is “different.” 
• If she is not a beauty and is “frumpy” or “common” the hero’s love will make her beautiful. See the Cinderella story concept that has been done over, and over, and over again.
• They were “awkward” looking when young. This is not always the case but sometimes in their youth many of the heroine’s suffered from the “ugly duckling” syndrome. They were either too thin/fat, their ears/eyes/nose/something is usually too large/small, their hair sticks out funny/is an awkward shade of something. Basically, they’re normal and like the rest of us until they grow up when they blossom and become that rare beauty that we will never be.
• The heroine will always not believe in social castes and treat everyone equally. It is a rare case indeed in romance novels where the heroine will act within her station of life. Instilled in their very core of being is the modern concept of “equality” which makes them defy societies norm and befriend the “lower classes.” In many cases they’re close with the servants, confiding their hearts inner woes and becoming wonderful friends. But, even with the friendship, I don’t see them stopping their “friend” from cleaning their piss-pot. Just saying. 
• Both the hero and heroine will have some sort of dysfunctional family growing up which create emotional scars that need to be overcome. Usually together. Inevitably either the hero or the heroine will have a messed up childhood of some sort. From one or both parents dying and/or neglect (or sometimes abuse) they tend to carry the emotional scars along with them well into adulthood which give them issues with commitment and trust. Usually when they have found each other a life-time of emotional scars is cured through the power of ~love~ and not therapy. 
• Genitalia is magically beautiful, and bodily fluids taste like fine wine. I think this point pretty much speaks for itself.

to be continued…