Continuation of “Things I have Learned from Romance novels (part 1)“.
I’m also pretty sure google thinks I’m a major pervert after all my searches.
- All heroines are accomplished equestrian. I had a theory after reading many books that perhaps the reason why I did not have a boyfriend until later in life was: I don’t enjoy horseback riding. I like those smelly beasts, don’t get me wrong, and know how to ride them but they have never held any sort of interest to me. The heroine in romance novels, however, will always be an accomplished equestrian even if she has NEVER been on a horse before. Usually she will be able to race against the best of the best and ride better then most males. Then again, there could be a reason for it (video from Cruel Intentions 2, NSFW).
- The missionary position has not failed us since the beginning of time, why stop now? When the couple FINALLY tumble into the bed together letting their inner passions and desires be released 9 times out of 10 they do missionary position. Occasionally the female will end up on top but that is rare and once in a blue moon. With all the experience under the heroes belt why does he not know more sexual positions? It’s not like I’m suggesting they get toys involved (at first) but what is with the limited selection here? Don’t you think after a while our STD-free hero will get bored and try to spice it up? Or, since it’s mind-blowing sex already, why break what is already perfect? But, as my friend pointed out: even innocents virgins will give exceptional blow jobs. And, of course, the hero always thinks about the heroine’s pleasure first and foremost.
- There is no abortions, only near miscarriages. Children are ALWAYS wanted in the end. I think in all my romance novel reading I have perhaps encountered one abortion happening and it was written away as her not wanting it but thinking it was what the back-stabber boyfriend at the time wanted. Children, in romance novels, are always wanted. Especially if they are medieval romance novels in which the heroes need their heirs to carry on the family name/titles/fortune. Those males who can never see themselves as father figures will, in the end, cave and become excited and a doting loving father figure.
- The heroine always knows how to fight like a man if the occasion arises… even if she’s never had to fight for her life. The heroines will usually know some sort of art of war. Wether is be sword-play, archery, or any of those other war things my female mind does not care for, the heroine will know how to do it. In one novel I read recently the heroine went against and BEAT this legendary warrior with her skills with all of thee above. No matter how many years men have trained to become hardened warriors the heroine will no matter what still be able to best them.
- Even if the hero is the biggest anti-marriage person she will ever meet he will instantly want to marry the heroine and make her his “own”. See children point above.
- The hero is always well endowed. Never mind that the typical penis size is (non-erect) 3-4 inches long, the hero’s penis will be so long that the heroine will be impaled with it. Of course, with that, if she has had a past lover he will have been small in comparison and a fraction of the size of the hero’s penis. I don’t know what the romance women writers are trying to get it with the penis size. Is it wishful thinking? Wishing their man’s members were larger or gloating at real men with the fictional sizes. Women, get a dildo and stop writing about men with 12-inch dicks. It’s just as fulfilling.Â
- Orgasms are always obtained with a 5-second delay for error. The heroine will always, ALWAYS climax. Remember, the hero is about HER pleasure so the heroine will always get off. As they say: nice guys always finish last. Women in romance novels get off really, really quickly too. None of this hours of foreplay b.s.; all the hero has to do is look at her and orgasm is reached. Never mind stuff you know and read about on the female orgasm (link NSFW). Before the hero (if the heroine has had past lovers) she will not have experienced an orgasm before or not one as earth-shattering as with the hero. Ladies, this is the definition of good sex. Too bad you’ll only ever read about it.
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2 Comments
I was actually looking for a book about couples not wanting children and came across your blog entry. As a romance novel reader for much of the same reasons, it is fun to see the generalizations about this genre laid out. Thanks for the laughs.
I’m glad I brought the laughs. =) The gross generalizations in the romance novels kind of boggle the mind as to how predictable they are but they also serve their purpose: a good dumb read. It also gives hours of entertainment as you see connections with plots/characters/etc that is pretty much carried across the board in all of them.