“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
- Erica Jong

Do you want my opinion? My true and honest opinion? Or do you want the sugar coated version? The watered down version of reality, in which I tell you what you want to hear (though it may not be the truth)? Will that honestly make you feel better? Me, lying about something that we both know, deep down, is not correct?

This is a dilemma all people face in their lives: whether to be honest and tell the truth or lie (in an attempt to be nice or even malicious). I am a fairly opinionated person. That is no secret, to be sure. I’m also terminally shy, so unless I am very comfortable with someone, I will not speak my mind or will tell half-truths so as to not reveal how uncomfortable you are making me. I also love to avoid confrontation. I have no issues confronting people about minor issues, such as who’s turn it is to take out the trash or who needs to buy the next coffee. When it comes to the bigger issues such as, say, my political views or something really important to me? Well, I like hearing your views but I don’t like sharing mine, since I have found in my life the route of least resistance is best and often people try to “convert” you as they see fit.

My friends will come to me for advice about various issues. I can be an insightful person and a good listener. Generally I don’t like to talk. I talk on my own terms and, if not in the mood to talk, I’ll simply be silent. However, when asked, I will give my honest opinion on a matter, the direction I think they need to take, and pointers to reach the ultimate solution I think would be best. Often, I am met with gratitude and general appreciation for my opinion, whether they agree with me or not. They appreciate me giving my two cents, even if they think I’m stupid and their way is better. Some friends, however, don’t take kindly to this.

Have you ever told a white-lie to be nice? Just so you don’t have to deal with the drama that would ensue if you gave your honest opinion? Some situations and friends, I feel there is a need to do that. It weighs down on my mind knowing that what I have told them simply makes them complacent, taking the easy route of things and doing what they wanted all-along, when in my heart I think it is a bad idea. Don’t we learn from our mistakes? I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and, in seeking advice from friends, they told me the white-lies I wanted to hear, and I made my choices and lived with the consequences. I remember the friends who voiced concern, a differing opinion, the logical and (ultimately) right choice, I’d resent since they didn’t say what I wanted to hear. My choice, I felt, at the time, I had mulled over and reached this solution, so it’s not like I did not put thought into it. How dare they give me a different opinion!

I’d come back to it, after I learned my lesson, and often not have the grace to admit I was wrong. I can think of perhaps a handful of occasions where I would admit to that friend that, yes, I f*cked up and yes, you were right. Those who I’d have the balls to admit I was wrong to would get the smug note in their voice like “See, told you so” or “Yeah, I told you that at the time.” Perhaps that is why I have such a hard time admitting I was wrong about something, since it opens up the chance for people to be smug and above me? I don’t know. It would be nice if, in admitting I was wrong about something, I would get the “at least you learned something”. 

This train of thought comes from a dealing with my friend, F. I will give her advice, the advice she wants to hear to make her feel better, and know in my heart sometimes it’s not true. When she comes back and admits it was the wrong method to take a situation, I will have the grace to be like “well, I didn’t see that coming” or “hmm, well, guess I learned something” or we just choose to ignore the lessons that were learned in that particular undertaking. On some occasions in the past, I have admitted to F that my opinion is different and I see it a certain way. Of course this is typically met with resistance. She thinks it is one way!  You are outside of the situation and can’t possible understand it! Biting my tongue, I will hold in the retort of “Well, then why did you ask my opinion?”

When you seek advice, are you seeking gratification? Wanting that “gold star” and stamp of approval that your choice is right? Would you even listen if the advice giver offered a differing opinion?

Technorati Tags: honesty, truth, friendship, white-lies, opinions, advice, truthful, friends, opinion, seeking advice, seeking opinions