I will be the first to admit I am no saint when it comes to driving. A few months back, I earned my first speeding ticket (which is amazing since I used to speed A LOT worse in Phoenix– I’m totally joking….) and had to take traffic school as a result. That sucked. What drives me crazy, however, it seeing my fellow Floridians who, face it, kind of drive like shit. Get in a huff if you want (be sure to title your hate-mail about my general incompetence), but may I present the evidence of why I’m right in this generalization:

• Red-lights don’t count for the first five-seconds. A few times a day, while I’m driving to and from work (and running errands), I see at least two people run red lights. Typically, it is that the light switches to yellow, and people about a mile away gun it. Mack and I learned quickly when the green light switches in your favor, don’t move for a few seconds, else you will get smashed (and most likely blamed).
• It is not necessary to signal when you merge, change lanes, or otherwise turn. I’ve only seen turn signals used on a handful of occasions here, and usually it is when they are already half-way in your lane (after NOT checking over their shoulder— they just start moving). I’ve used my horn more in eight months in Florida then my whole driving experience in Washington AND Arizona. I’m sorry Florida but I’m not a mindreader thus I can’t predict your actions as you drive that ton of death metal.
• Tail-gating is a socially acceptable (and expected) past-time. I admit I will tailgate. I’m not as bad as like, two inches away from the bumper at freeway speeds (which is very common here). Usually I will have about half a car length (to a car and a half length) between me and the car in front of me since, well, people will cut you off if you give them room to do it. Again see point above about them NOT looking and just merging as they weave through traffic. This is, unfortunately, an east-coast tendency I am well acquainted with due to one of my brothers having lived on the east coast the past twelve years. There are probably grip marks and foot imprints on my Mom’s car from her “oh shit” handling and “invisible breaking” all the time while he drives.
• There is no such thing as speed limit. Either go 10 miles above or below, NEVER ON. Yes, Florida has old people which tend to drive slower then the average driver. This in itself doesn’t particularly annoy me (unless I have somewhere to be within this lifetime). It’s when people ride my ass due to the slow person in front of me that will get my goat. Then they will swerve into the next lane (sans looking) and flip me the bird. Stay classy.
• Swerving through three lanes last minute is acceptable if there is enough room for half a car. If your exit is coming up next, please don’t drive until you’re almost past said exit, and swerve suddenly across the freeway to take the exit. It’s not cute and I’m sure if my car seat had buttons they’d be pinched off by now. I’ve seen delivery trucks do this (in front of me) all the time. I know they are paying attention to the road and exits since usually before hand they will be swerving lanes to go quickly then sudden, SWERVE, they exit.
• If you turn onto a road and someone is a mile plus away in that lane they will speed up and try to ride your ass for “cutting them off”. Another guilty behavior I do partake in, since people will pull off side roads in front of my car usually when I’m five feet away from them. However, if they are a mile plus down the road, I’ll let it slide since, well, there is no threat they’d hit my car. Just this morning I was pulling onto the main road from the side street and the car was at least a mile away and guns it doing 60mph (in a 40mph) to ride my bumper and show me what’s-what.
• Driving in the rain requires you to drive 5 miles per hour (this is also true in Phoenix). I’m probably biased since I learned to drive in the northwest so I’m used to hazardous driving conditions on a daily basis. I’ve hydroplaned so much I don’t even realize it’s really happening and just go with the flow. When it rains here (and Phoenix) people PANIC. I realize that there is excess oil on the road that will need time to wash away, but coming to a complete stop on the freeway because of that? It makes me wonder about your mental capabilities just a little.
• The worse times to drive: rush-hour (obviously) and Sunday morning (when the church crowd gets out). It makes sense about rush-hour since that is pretty much anywhere you live. My commute in Phoenix would be about thirty-five minutes without traffic and two-hours with. It sucked. Luckily my current commute goes against traffic so I’m never really experiencing it. However, a new experience is the Sunday morning (pardon the language) cluster f**k that happens. I guess it makes sense since I, technically, live in The Bible Belt but for that reason Mack and I avoid leaving the apartment on Sundays till at least 2PM.
• Driving down the wrong-way of a one-way street is socially acceptable and YOU are at fault for trying to drive correctly. When we were in Orlando this weekend for the Flogging Molly concert we were driving down a one-way and suddenly this woman swerves onto the road approaching us and glared at us for giving her an incredulous look. I get some one-ways choose themselves at random and aren’t clearly marked but in this instance it was very clearly marked and our lives were unfortunately in her bad-driving hands.
• The middle-finger is a favorite past-time and an excellent communication skill. This one I’m pretty well prepared for since one of my older brothers taught me how to flip the bird when I was four. Yes, my parents were thrilled (same with the other brother who was the first recipient of said gesture). I’m not judging (snort) Florida since I encountered this everywhere I’ve ever been within the United States, however, flipping the bird when I have right of way and you choose to go instead? Don’t mind when I pull a face at your raised middle finger as I narrowly avoid your law-breaking monster truck.
• Watch out for random pedestrians EVERYWHERE. They jump out in the dark and walk really slow… especially near beaches. I work by the beach, which brings out the best specimens of humanity otherwise known as beach bums. Especially as the weather warms up (and they steal all the parking spots) the best of the best crawl out of the wood work. Just the other day, I saw a tan, bleach-blonde girl not paying attention kind of give a “tehe” before she ran into traffic… and almost got pegged by cars from both directions. What does she do? Apologize and move out of the way? No. Stands there like a deer in the headlights before “tehe”-ing her way out of traffic. It’s not just the beach bums that dodge into traffic. People just like to randomly walk into the road since those “cross walk” and “legal” things just don’t bother them. In parking lots, sure, that is one thing (there, I am of the mentality of if you hit me, my student loans will be paid off by you), but in moving major traffic? Yeaaah. Also, jumping at our car like giselle on the safari while wearing black at night thus scaring Mack and I senseless? Priceless.
• Your big trucks aren’t tricking anyone: you are compensating. Yes, we all know what the big trucks represent for the male anatomy. Nowhere have I found the sheer size and girth of trucks then in The South. Phoenix, I admit, came close since in their hearts-of-hearts they all wish they were cowboys, but the sheer size and mass production of them will never outrank The South. When we went to the grocery store the other day, there was a truck so large it was sticking half way out of the spot (fully pulled forward) and I swear to you my head came up to the door handle (I’m 5’11″ by the way). Now, I’ll give The South the benefit of the doubt that they don’t all have small peckers but those trucks are not helping with the whole ‘NASCAR lovin’ redneck Southern’ stereotype a lot of the nation throws our way.

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