Me: Oh a dead raccoon! That’s so sad! Mack: I thought you hated raccoons. Me: I do but that doesn’t mean I like seeing them dead on the side of the road. Mack: You need to work on your hypocritical two-sided hatred of animals.

Me: We need to hit the grocery store. Mack: Why? Me: Well, unless you want me wiping my ass on the carpet. Mack: Oh. I didn’t realize the situation was that desperate. Me: Yes. We are out of toilet paper, as I said earlier. Mack: I assumed the toilet paper was the reason in question… [...]