I don’t know what has gotten into me but I apologize in advance: two fashion posts in one week. Those who know me know I’m usually not really into fashion and being trendy. It’s not that I don’t care but I can seriously think of a million other things I’d rather spend $400 dollars on than a pair of designer jeans, a purse, or shoes. I can go down to Target and get good stuff for under $20.

I guess I am turning into a Frugalista. (Does the fact I know that word/marketing campaign make me less fashion challenged?).

Last weekend I went shopping with my friend Hayley. This naturally would cause concern of my friends and family since I loath shopping. When I got my cavities drilled I think I had more fun than I would normally do shopping. I’m tall, have large feet, and find the whole experience a waste of time. Anyway, Hayley mentioned she wanted to hit up Old Navy to look at their scarves. On our road trip moving from Florida Hayley always had a scarf around her neck. I thought this was really strange since it was July. Why the hell was she wearing a scarf? Seriously. Mack and I would give her endless grief about it and she would, in turn, wrap the scarf more securely around her neck and ignore us.

I guess this is why on her voicemail yesterday she called me her “fashion challenged friend”.

Now, the last time I went to Old Navy was an experience in itself. I don’t know what it is about the store but it makes people grade A jerks. Perhaps it’s all the cute items or I just happen to venture into the Old Navy’s in the yuppie parts of towns. The time before last I went with my friend Jenny who is pregnant with her fourth kid. Naturally, being pregnant, she likes to mess with people. She is my friend for a reason. I don’t know if she was intentionally trying to piss people off, though, when we were trying to check out. The line was all sorts of crazy and all over the place and she thought, perhaps, there were two lines. Jenny went up to the second register and stood behind another customer until this woman took it upon herself to walk up to Jenny, grab her arm, and start screaming at her that there IS a line and she needs to get to the BACK OF IT since SHE was there FIRST.

Seriously? It’s OLD NAVY. I could make all sorts of crass comparisons to represent how stupid the woman was about freaking out over a line at Old Navy when there are a million worse problems in the world. Of course, I saw a woman loose her calm at Starbucks since she wanted to buy a newspaper and OH MY GOD YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU KICKED ME. WATCH YOUR CHILD.

This is why I let her in front of me in line, FYI.

When I was little I used to wear dresses and skirts all the time (stay with me, this is totally related). My Mom used to occasionally try to put me into pants but I’d freak out since I was a GIRL and needed to wear my Mary Janes and look super adorable. Peer pressure ultimately made me despise wearing dresses and skirts and to this day I’m still am iffy about wearing them. While at Old Navy with Hayley, though, I saw some skirts on clearance. Mack loves when I wear skirts or dresses since I imagine it’s a huge change from my usual tshirts and jeans. It’s like whenever I wear a skirt or dress it must feel like Christmas has come early! Or perhaps it’s a sign of the end of the world as we know it.

I ultimately decided to splurge and buy the skirt since, heck, why not.

Last night I decided to wear the skirt out to dinner with some of my friends. The only problem was what to do with my legs under the skirt (not like that, you perverts). Now, as Hayley so aptly put it, I’m fashion challenged. I don’t think I would really be legit to wear socks and my Converse knock-offs under the skirt. Plus, it was really cold last night. Before dinner I decided it would be in my best interests go get tights for under the skirt since of course I don’t own any.

Girls: what is WITH tight sizes? I stood there for a good ten minutes look at the back of the package trying to figure out my size. I remember when I was little looking at the back of my Mom’s tights packages with its complex graph saturated with colors and diagrams which, when uncoded, could probably hold the key to world peace. The problem with the tights size chart that I had?

I don’t fit in a specific size.

I know I have put emphasis on (a lot) the fact I am tall. I’m also what I feel to be about an average build and weight. I’m not bean pole (or as my soccer team mates called me growing up: a gangly spazz) but I’m not festively plump. According to the tights size I was an XL for height but only a L for weight.

Pardon the internet slang but: WTF.

It irritates me that they don’t even have my size but I guess I should marvel at the tight manufactures and the guess work that goes into making tights. Like, how do they decide the “average” sizes for the charts? I wonder how many people (like me to a mild degree) that they piss off with their size decisions? And what of those who are super skinny and tall? Short and fat? I ended up getting the tights for my height and the thigh highs ended up around my neck practically. It was magical. Really.

So, to those out there who know fashion: what do you do in those situations? If you’re weight is one size and your height is an entirely different size? The only thing I can think of is that I should eat some donuts and get in the “proper” weight category but I think that would counter-productive for my health and also my cholesterol problems. How do you “fit the mold” or at least make this fashion crap work for you?

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