In my adult life I’ve never been a fan of Christmas. I think the holiday pretty much got ruined when I was sixteen and an exchange student in Japan. I think I have mentioned it before but I went to Hiroshima on Christmas Day 2001. Something about seeing the stuff about the A-bomb and the message in the visitors log of “All Americans should die” kind killed the day for me. Every year I try to pep myself up and get excited and, when I manage it, tend to get disappointed by all the hype and sometimes (I can selfishly admit) gifts given.

Now, don’t get offended those who have given me gifts. They are appreciated and very much loved! But a few rotten gifts and lack of care on some people’s parts make me drag my heels when it comes to Christmas shopping for others and I’m like “shoot me now and end my misery.”

I’m a regular Grinch, Scrooge, brat, and “unappreciative” (fill in any other adjectives you’ve thought of here my dear reader) and nothing has really been able to change it for years. Label me what you will but I know these things about myself.

Here is a breakdown of my peeves and why I’m a giant opinionated Grinch:

Christmas music everywhere. I get that ’tis the season to be jolly but seriously? I don’t like going into different stores and having the same peppy Christmas music blasting away when, if wanted, I could have stayed a store ten stores back and heard the exact same song. Or downloaded the damn thing on iTunes. True I have a soft spot for the traditional soft-tempo Christmas pieces (typically those religious ones which, being Agnostic, what the f*ck?) but I don’t need to hear the latest tween belting out deck the halls everywhere I go.

Gift Cards. I get how gift cards are typically a very easy gift solutions. Heck, I know I’ve given out a few in my time! Like my Dad (who is technologically impaired thus I don’t have to worry about him reading this) is getting one since the book he really wanted isn’t out until April. My biggest pet peeve about gift cards though is if I get them from someone who is really close to know and/or knows me well. Like family or friends. Something about a gift card spells “I didn’t want to think about it” or “didn’t want to put in the effort.” The impersonal nature of it pisses me off if I know you really well. I appreciate gift cards when given but I can’t help feeling like sometimes they’re giant cop outs by my friends who forgot about me till last minute.

Colored Lights. As Christmas lights have been going up everywhere I find myself really disliking houses that have the multi-color display. Something about it spells tacky to me. In reflection I think it is due to the houses that (typically) do multi-color lights are more willing to pull out all the stops and go overboard on their Christmas displays thus leaving me equal parts horrified and amazed. Especially the houses that look like Santa threw up everywhere in their yard. This weekend I went driving with one of my friends in search of the most tacky light displays and managed not to narrow it down by house but rather ranking NEIGHBORHOODS with their overabundance of holiday “cheer”.

The crowds. I can own up that I haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet (well, minus two gifts; one of which being a gift card which I HATE myself for). Why is that? I loath the Christmas crowds. Something about this time of year when we’re suppose to love our fellow man makes people raging a-holes who would sooner ram me with a cart since I’m in the way of their prize. Seriously people, I’m pretty passive when shopping. Ask me to move and spare my hips the indignity of shopping cart bruises.

The religion down my throat. I will leave this one at that and just say: isn’t this a time of peace and understanding? No matter what my beliefs?

People coming out of woodwork. While I love my friends dearly there are a select few that kind of come back into my life around the holidays and start talking gift giving with me. To that I ask: where were you the other eleven months of the year? Why don’t you spare yourself the hassle of buying me a gift (or most likely a gift card) and buy yourself something instead. You can even put a tag on it saying “From, Anne” and I’ll do the same for myself. This is also true with the awkward gifts you weren’t expecting and suddenly you’re like “shit, I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts this year and now I feel like a colossal jackass for not getting you something.”

Finding the “perfect” gift. My problem is that I obsess over trying to figure out something that people will really love. I wish I could be lazy like a lot of people and not care. One year I got my friend in Oklahoma and most random (and impractical) array of gifts just because of random conversations we’ve had and inside jokes we had shared. They weren’t the most practical gifts but you know what? She loves that Rainbow Bright backpack and it definitely sticks out in her mind. I bog myself down with trying to please people and do, typically, manage to find random awesome gifts but usually by the end I get so burnt out I’m like “tell me what to get so I don’t have to think.”

The parties and “let’s hang out!”. This is also a phenomenon that I notice when you’re about to move and/or it’s your birthday. It totally goes back to the “people coming out of the woodwork” and suddenly remembering you exist and that you’re potentially cool. An invite would have been cool the other eleven-months of the year, too. Thanks for remembering me during the holidays, I guess?

Stress making people dicks. Something about all the gift giving, family together-ness, copious amounts of alcohol, and potentially not being able to focus solely on yourself makes some people jerks in the holiday season. I know I can be a jerk when stressed out. I also know my tolerance of people gets very limited around this time of year and I kind of retreat into myself and won’t talk. Of course, right now I’m kind of a dull “I hate everyone, especially you” mood as I write this so perhaps the stress is getting to me. That and I’m past the point of caring. Just take a chill pill people and count down the days until the holidays are over and our regularly scheduled program returns.

Holiday cards. I suck at sending these. A few years ago I went the full nine yards and decorated my own Christmas cards but got discouraged by my Mom from sending them (what is not to love about Santa in a pimp hat pimping out a reindeer and elf on the street corner? Seriously). I think the “farthest” I got was last year where I had cards in envelopes but didn’t have stamps and shit, it’s now the new year. And look, it’s the end of January. Don’t get me wrong, I do like getting cards (since one of my hobbies is collecting greeting cards, weirdly enough) but it heightens my sense of guilt over my inability to mail a letter. Again perhaps blame Japan since the only form of communication I had to America was writing letters and I made BIG productions of illustrating them and writing PAGES before I could send them. I’m still burnt out on letters thanks to that.

There you have it. I’m a giant Grinch or Scrooge who needs to be visited by the Ghosts of Christmas. Perhaps that would help with my lack of holiday cheer. Or not.

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