I wish I was the type of person who could easily dismiss things. The type who (typically) don’t have a care in the world and can tune out the rude, mean, and otherwise annoying stuff that comes up in life and tries to bog you down. Like water rolling off a duck’s back, the simple act of letting stuff not get under my skin would be nice.

I’ve always been a perpetual worrier. I also am, for lack of a better word, a nurturer (someone else gave me this title and I can’t think of any other non-egocentric way of putting it). One thing that has been repeated told to me is that I need to “learn how to be selfish”. I know my “enemies” and those who don’t truly know me might think “Gawd Anne you’re a really selfish person already,” but a) shut up and b) you don’t honestly know me.

Sure, I think humans are for the most part very selfish egocentric individuals who’s primary focus is themselves and their own gratification, screw other people. I’m a very cynical person but then again, I know many of these people. I can be selfish as all heck sometimes so when I was told, point blank, that I need to learn how to be selfish and stop trying to be a people pleaser it shocked me. I was told whenever I want to do something for someone else I need to stop and think “What will I be getting out of it? Will it make me happy?” These thoughts are weird to me and make me, honestly, sometimes feel shitty that I have to learn to think this way.

What comes hand-in-hand with my low self esteem sometimes is thinking negatively about myself. I hear I’m a people pleaser and to “learn to be selfish” and self-doubt takes over and I’m like “Well, I already think I’m pretty selfish and should do more for those who I love.” Then my mind falls back on the conversation and, if you try to please people too much and focus on them instead of yourself, you’ll eventually drive them away.

Yes, I know, I need to turn off my mind sometimes. I over-analyze and tend to “beat a dead horse” about stuff. I say all the stuff above because when people are truly rude to me, go out of their way to be mean, and take me for granted? It hurts. I know it hurts everyone in their own ways but I internalize stuff too much and physically feel my chest and throat tighten as my mind says “You suck, that is why they are so rude to you.”

Since November I’ve been working really, really hard on the self esteem issue (among other things). It’s an uphill battle sometimes with set-backs and a lot of self reflection as to why I react to stuff the way I react. Why do I let stuff get under my skin so much till I cry since someone decided to be a jerkface to me? I’ve managed leaps and bounds with my self esteem and hardly ever make negative comments about my physical appearance (which, if you know me, is a HUGE accomplishment for me). As I talk through stuff with people they wonder why I have these thoughts and negativity about myself since I’m an “awesome person”. Logically, I know these things. I know I’m worthwhile, awesome, pretty, unique, and all sorts of other wonderful words. Logically I know these things.

Emotionally? Not so much. I’m working on it but it’s a slow process.

The past two months have been full of lots of reflection and changes for the positive for myself and examining the not so glamourous stuff. It’s hard and sucks sometimes but needing done. While I have set backs along the way I’m glad I’m taking charge and “fixing stuff” and trying to emotionally understand that I’m worthwhile and fuck those who don’t realize it.

I’m who I am and there is no one else I’d rather be. It’s my mantra I say daily and slowly, I’m coming to realize these things and that ultimately? I’m cool. Simple as that.