Text exchange between my brother and myself while I was watching The Sound of Music. I’m glad that being weird is apparently genetic.
Me: Shits about to get real in Austria.
Mark: The hills are fucking alive with the realness.
Me: Don’t fuck with Maria since she and her favorite things will fuck your shit up.
Mark: Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens and fucking up Nazi’s and singing on hills.
Instructions written for my parents about critter care. There is a reason why my Mom calls me a “smart ass.” I think it’s her way of saying “Thanks Anne for the laughs. I love you.”
Critter Care Instructions
Cats –
Their food is the one on top of the washer with the green top labeled “Gay Mafia Food Source”. Inside you’ll find a Dixie cup. Fill it with their food and distribute between the three bowls once a day. They will try to convince you that they need fed more but they’re liars. Fat liars. Replace their water once a day. Also, to note, there is a bowl of water in the bathroom. Bucky loves this. He’s kind of a spoiled brat.
Actually… they all are spoiled brats.
I’ll move Bucky’s Personal Water Bowl onto the counter in there since he will complain if this isn’t changed a few times a day. You only have to change it once a day. Make him grow some backbone.
Also to note: they love looking out the window in the front (perched on the couch) so if you close the blinds be sure to pull them up again else they will mess with the blinds. They also like the window looking at the back yard above their litter box. They’re not allowed on the counters or tables. They will try to ignore this rule. Beat them as necessary. This is, of course, a joke. Put them on the ground and immediately feel guilty and coo at them at their general adorable-ness.
See point above about spoiled brats.
You might not really see Bucky and Brutus at first. This doesn’t mean they got out but they’re big babies. They’ll probably come out after a few hours. If not feel free to throw taunts directed at them. This won’t do anything but maybe deflate their overinflated egos.
Sugar Glider –
Fed once a day. His food and water are on the sides of the cage. Feed him a tablespoon of yogurt and some cheese (not mixed together). Check his water daily as well. Make sure the blanket is covering his cage since he’s nocturnal thus might melt in sunlight. We think he’s part vampire.
Chickens –
Fed once a day, generally in the morning. Keep them in the coop for simplicity. They will complain about it but just ignore them. We do. There is a big container of food on the washer. Fill it full of the feed and go inside the coop to spread it in the dirt. Check their nesting boxes (the ones on the right that look like boxes) for eggs in the afternoon. They’ve been producing about one egg a day due to the cold. You can give them treats (in moderation) of sunflower seeds (container on top of their feed) or the bread in the ziplock bag. They will love you forever if you do this. Their water is the metal container. Check this daily! They like to put dirt in there that gets muddy. They’re jerks like that.
This past weekend I decided to invite my parents dog over to stay at our house. One part of the invite was “fat camp” for the dog who is, frankly, a tank. My Dad gets defensive about Maggie’s weight and says it’s mostly muscle. My brothers, Mack, and I on the other hand like to call her ‘The Twinkie’ since she honestly looks like one.
clearly I know a thing or two about fat animals…
The other part? Mack has been out of town for the past two weeks and it’s been kind of lonely around the house. Yes, I’m actually leaving the house now that I have a job (be still my beating heart!) but it’s kind of depressing to come home to just cats who half the time can’t be bothered to wake up when I come home. I thought it would be nice to have a canine companion to hang out with this weekend and go on long walks and, you know, at least hide the fact as they only think of me as the provider of food.
Now Maggie is a… special dog. I don’t know how else to put it. A few months before I moved down to Phoenix our family dog Sierra (who I briefly talked about when Midnight had to be put down) had to put down too. Naturally we were all devastated by the loss of our dog and I made it my goal before I moved to find my parents another dog. Not to replace Sierra but rather to give another dog a chance of a happy, loving home.
Enter Maggie.
This dog has all sorts of weird personality quirks. I don’t know how much of them are from her background before she came into our lives but seriously you have to wonder about this dog and what goes on in her head. Take, for example, if she’s in a car she likes to bark at every. single. fucking. car. that goes by. It was cute for the first 5 minutes until you realize I live about an hour away from my parents.
Communicating with the shadow people is a favorite pastime of Maggie…
Some other weird personality quirks? She has a strange fascination with shadows and shiny objects. If your silverware accidentally catches the light when you’re eating and reflects onto the ceiling be prepared for the barking and whining and dear God really dog?! My family has kind of made it into a big joke that the Mother Ship is trying to contact her and send messages.
Mark and I try to help where we can.
Overall having Maggie over was an experience that someday, when I’m recovered and not home alone, I hope to relive. When the cats weren’t panicking (or peeing in shoe boxes since the litter-box was near THE DOG!) and Maggie wasn’t barking at shadows and/or terrorizing my neurotic cats it was a lot of fun. I hope, in time, to have Maggie come down more often (and her barking in the car to minimize) so that we can take long walks where I don’t fear her keeling over.
Oh Maggie, you tank of a dog. Don’t look now but I think the mother ship is calling.
