Instructions written for my parents about critter care. There is a reason why my Mom calls me a “smart ass.” I think it’s her way of saying “Thanks Anne for the laughs. I love you.”

Critter Care Instructions

Cats –
Their food is the one on top of the washer with the green top labeled “Gay Mafia Food Source”. Inside you’ll find a Dixie cup. Fill it with their food and distribute between the three bowls once a day. They will try to convince you that they need fed more but they’re liars. Fat liars. Replace their water once a day. Also, to note, there is a bowl of water in the bathroom. Bucky loves this. He’s kind of a spoiled brat.

Actually… they all are spoiled brats.

I’ll move Bucky’s Personal Water Bowl onto the counter in there since he will complain if this isn’t changed a few times a day. You only have to change it once a day. Make him grow some backbone.

Also to note: they love looking out the window in the front (perched on the couch) so if you close the blinds be sure to pull them up again else they will mess with the blinds. They also like the window looking at the back yard above their litter box. They’re not allowed on the counters or tables. They will try to ignore this rule. Beat them as necessary. This is, of course, a joke. Put them on the ground and immediately feel guilty and coo at them at their general adorable-ness.

See point above about spoiled brats.

You might not really see Bucky and Brutus at first. This doesn’t mean they got out but they’re big babies. They’ll probably come out after a few hours. If not feel free to throw taunts directed at them. This won’t do anything but maybe deflate their overinflated egos.

Sugar Glider –
Fed once a day. His food and water are on the sides of the cage. Feed him a tablespoon of yogurt and some cheese (not mixed together). Check his water daily as well. Make sure the blanket is covering his cage since he’s nocturnal thus might melt in sunlight. We think he’s part vampire.

Chickens –
Fed once a day, generally in the morning. Keep them in the coop for simplicity. They will complain about it but just ignore them. We do. There is a big container of food on the washer. Fill it full of the feed and go inside the coop to spread it in the dirt. Check their nesting boxes (the ones on the right that look like boxes) for eggs in the afternoon. They’ve been producing about one egg a day due to the cold. You can give them treats (in moderation) of sunflower seeds (container on top of their feed) or the bread in the ziplock bag. They will love you forever if you do this. Their water is the metal container. Check this daily! They like to put dirt in there that gets muddy. They’re jerks like that.